Raindrops from the heart

No words can express the moment that you realize that your last child is growing up. Especially when you move the crib out of your room. This one has always been a hard one for me...but it just got harder. Waaaay harder. Think swimming the Atlantic harder. Think dying inside harder. I only hope that I can recover from this one soon. But all in all, James' baby years are over. He's a fledgling and large robust toddler. He's not so much into snuggles as much as invading things. He doesn't so much care about the baby talk, he's all into demands in full sentences. Sigh....it was inevitable.

At least there will be no more babies. But then again, that's kinda crushing no matter how done you feel.

In other news, the 4 older siblings are doing just fabulous. Growing, getting smarter and wiser and funnier and more grown and...well...they are perfect. <3 But this is sort of the issue isn't it.

Ah well, the melancholy will subside, eventually. Right now I'm just thankful for their safety and their love. <3

Mother's Day

Children grow so quickly that in the blink of an eye they are changed creatures. This completely describes what I see at this point of motherhood. As most of you know, I suffer with extreme perfectionism, and I don't mean needing my silverware arranged a certain way, although that too. No, this perfectionism is of the worst variety, and it poisons my view of how I'm doing in all aspects because there is always a perfect way to do it, and then the way I get it done, which are never even comparable.

Not unlike many women in North American, Mother's Day is not something I look forward to. First, you tally up what you haven't done, measure it against either the societal expectations for mothers and/or your own perceived expectations based on whatever. Either way, there is a voice that whispers many women "you are not doing it right enough." Mine actually states that I'm not doing it even remotely acceptable. This is such a dark place. These little people depend on us! Actually, all humans, no matter what you are striving for, you face this. Heck, YOU depend on you!

Eventually, for most of us, a sunbeam will shine through that darkness and illuminate what we cannot/refuse to see. This sunbeam came for me when Eli came home from school with the attached photo. Yes, I bawled. I grappled with the balance of hilarium from him stating that I know how to take care of him and it's heart-jerking deeper meaning, the one that emphasizes that I'm doing something right.

Sometimes we don't see the sunbeam. Those times are the very darkest. We see our grades not as good, yet we know we are working so hard. We hear our children demand and we cannot do it all, but we are giving it our all! We see our significant other in need and yet we feel so drained and inefficient. We go to work and give it our 110% and yet we feel as though we get nothing in return but mediocre monetary gain. (Hypocrite moment coming...)
These are the times when we must reach for the sun. We must find those sunbeams, and force them upon our cheeks.

So, coming from someone who struggles with this daily, and yet earned this awesome child seal of approval from a pretty perfect kid, CHIN UP and CARRY ON! You're probably doing way better than me, peoples!

Oh, and listen to Carry On by Some Nights. That is all for now. :~)

Oh so long...

Well,.to say that I haven't posted a new entry in a while would be obvious. It has indeed been busy around here, between school, working, more school, not working, being sick-etc. But nevertheless, the kids continue to grow and amaze me. Here are a few more recent pictures of them. :) Unfortunately I recently switched phones, meaning that I have no new pictures of Eli on this one.
More later...