Raindrops from the heart

No words can express the moment that you realize that your last child is growing up. Especially when you move the crib out of your room. This one has always been a hard one for me...but it just got harder. Waaaay harder. Think swimming the Atlantic harder. Think dying inside harder. I only hope that I can recover from this one soon. But all in all, James' baby years are over. He's a fledgling and large robust toddler. He's not so much into snuggles as much as invading things. He doesn't so much care about the baby talk, he's all into demands in full sentences. Sigh....it was inevitable.

At least there will be no more babies. But then again, that's kinda crushing no matter how done you feel.

In other news, the 4 older siblings are doing just fabulous. Growing, getting smarter and wiser and funnier and more grown and...well...they are perfect. <3 But this is sort of the issue isn't it.

Ah well, the melancholy will subside, eventually. Right now I'm just thankful for their safety and their love. <3

Mother's Day

Children grow so quickly that in the blink of an eye they are changed creatures. This completely describes what I see at this point of motherhood. As most of you know, I suffer with extreme perfectionism, and I don't mean needing my silverware arranged a certain way, although that too. No, this perfectionism is of the worst variety, and it poisons my view of how I'm doing in all aspects because there is always a perfect way to do it, and then the way I get it done, which are never even comparable.

Not unlike many women in North American, Mother's Day is not something I look forward to. First, you tally up what you haven't done, measure it against either the societal expectations for mothers and/or your own perceived expectations based on whatever. Either way, there is a voice that whispers many women "you are not doing it right enough." Mine actually states that I'm not doing it even remotely acceptable. This is such a dark place. These little people depend on us! Actually, all humans, no matter what you are striving for, you face this. Heck, YOU depend on you!

Eventually, for most of us, a sunbeam will shine through that darkness and illuminate what we cannot/refuse to see. This sunbeam came for me when Eli came home from school with the attached photo. Yes, I bawled. I grappled with the balance of hilarium from him stating that I know how to take care of him and it's heart-jerking deeper meaning, the one that emphasizes that I'm doing something right.

Sometimes we don't see the sunbeam. Those times are the very darkest. We see our grades not as good, yet we know we are working so hard. We hear our children demand and we cannot do it all, but we are giving it our all! We see our significant other in need and yet we feel so drained and inefficient. We go to work and give it our 110% and yet we feel as though we get nothing in return but mediocre monetary gain. (Hypocrite moment coming...)
These are the times when we must reach for the sun. We must find those sunbeams, and force them upon our cheeks.

So, coming from someone who struggles with this daily, and yet earned this awesome child seal of approval from a pretty perfect kid, CHIN UP and CARRY ON! You're probably doing way better than me, peoples!

Oh, and listen to Carry On by Some Nights. That is all for now. :~)

Oh so long...

Well,.to say that I haven't posted a new entry in a while would be obvious. It has indeed been busy around here, between school, working, more school, not working, being sick-etc. But nevertheless, the kids continue to grow and amaze me. Here are a few more recent pictures of them. :) Unfortunately I recently switched phones, meaning that I have no new pictures of Eli on this one.
More later...

Halloween pictures, FINALLY :)

I have finally added Halloween pictures....took forever, but here are the cuties!!! <3
https://picasaweb.google.com/114055608405448370604/Halloween2012

Superhero energy comes from WHAT? And other...uhm....whatevers

Nutrition. Tell me I'm lying. Alright then. Eli and I, on the way to school, discusing random things ran across the fact that I was eating a granola bar. He asks "why are you eating that" (as though it were toxic waste.) So I answer with the first thing that came to my mind before I could think to even stop it,
"Because, I'm on my way to school and I need super amounts of energy."
Eli: "so, you need super energy? Like Thor and Captain America!?"
Me: "yep"
Eli: "so you mean that stuff gives you super energy?"
Me (thinking-ohno): "Let me explain...there are certain types of food that Heavenly Father has made that are like 'super foods'- they have loads of stuff called 'nutrition.' This nutrition helps our bodies as much as water, which is the one of the other most important power sources for our bodies. When you eat these super foods, or nutricious foods, you get lots of energy and your body can do things that it felt too tired or sick or weak to do before you at it. That's why we fuss about you not eating too much junk food and eating good foods."
Eli: "Wow."
Me: "Yep. And there are people that go to school to learn about the best superfoods and how to make them easier to eat without eating too much unecessary junk with them so you get maximum energy, like Sister Cassie Wood, at church."
Eli: "WOW! Give ME a Granola Bar!!" He proceeded to eat it on the way to school, picking the chocolate (lol @ the junk food hypocrisy here...though I did tell him chocolate was junkfood...) out while eating the granola. 5 YEARS OF TRYING TO GET THIS KID TO EAT ANYTHING HEALTHY AND IT TOOK SUPERHEROS!?!  I don't care. It worked. Thank you Thor and Cap'. Tooo bad it was picture day...lol. ;)

Oh, and nothing is more flattering than Ana saying to me, Monday afternoon "Mama, I'm going to turn you into a beautiful princess!" Me, feeling kindof like the ugly duckling while washing dishes when she says this- my response "I don't want to be a princess." Ana, aghast, replies, "okay, I will make you beautiful then!" (luckily for her, bubby wasn't here or there would have been an upset boy...) Me, frustrated and honest, "Ana-Banana, I don't want to be beautiful, I just want to be a mother, like I always have." Ana, quickly responds "so you can deal with the children?" Me, now aghast and blatantly honest- "No! Not so I can 'deal' with the childre, but so I can love my children, raise them to be happy and be good people." Ana's shocking response? A huge tight hug accompanied by a "I love you so much Mama." And I felt it come all the way from the bottom of her heart. Oh how I love that terribly terrorizingly perfect little child....and all of them really.

Love them all so much.

When theres love at home...

Eli was so sweet tonight, he said specific prayers for me to get a passing grade on my test today, to do well on my two tests tomorrow, "but most importantly, please bless Mommy to know she is doing her very best and it is just great!"

Ana had me read a book that is a worn out, well loved favorite in our family, entitled "Without You", about penguin Mommies going off to brave treacherous waters to find food for their unhatched babies and nuturing courageous fathers that brave the elements and stay the steady course to keep their eggs warm until they hatch and mother returns with the food. The kids just love this book. We all do. It makes me appreciate again the importance and my children's understanding of the importance of both parents equality in a marriage.

On a side (Ana) note, she cut her own hair (I swore this would NEVER happen.) So tomorrow I will be going to see if I can get it shaped/evened/fixed. (Sigh) this is a looooooooooooooong week. x.x

Rhyme tyme

Eli: Pasty cake, pasty cake, eat a....
Ana: NASTY CAKE *LOL*
Ana: ew...nasty cake is kinda gross...

Eli: Hey Mommy! Mallen cake, Mallen cake, EAT A ALLEN CAKE!!! Ha ha haaa! Mari cake, mari cake, eat a binkey cake.

All this while trying to eat. Oh my little Huny Bunches of Nuts!!